The Republican one-page playbook

NIGHT BIRD'S FOUNTAIN got an exclusive interview with an anonymous Republican Senator, who agreed to the interview on the condition that we keep his name anonymous.

NBF: Thank you for coming today, Senator. Would you like some cookies?

S: Yes, thank you, and would you like some tax cuts?

NBF: No, thanks. President Obama faces some huge problems. Chief among them is the economy. I noticed that like almost all of your GOP colleagues you voted against the President's stimulus plan, even after it had been watered down in negotiations with a handful of Republican RINOs.

S: It didn't include enough tax cuts.

NBF: But by the end of the negotiations, almost 2/5 of the bill was tax cuts.

S: That's not enough.

NBF: But Obama won the election, shouldn't he get a chance to do what he feels is necessary to fix the economy?

S: Sure, and we are willing to work with him on ways to cut taxes.

NBF: Didn't tax cuts help get us into this mess? The economy prospered under the Clinton tax rates, but after Bush cut taxes in March 2001 companies built new factories overseas and outsourced millions of jobs, and the economy never did grow again after that as fast as it had under Clinton.

S: The problem was that after 2001, we didn't cut taxes enough. Bush's problem was that he wasn't aggressive enough, or he'd have pushed for another trillion in tax cuts the next year, and the year after that.

NBF: And then raise them again when the economy is stronger?

S: Of course not. When the economy is good then you need to cut taxes.

NBF: So when the economy is bad, we need tax cuts. But when it's good, as it was when Bush was running in 2000, you still need tax cuts?

S: Of course you do. It's sort of like breathing. You always need more tax cuts. Just repeat after me, "I need a tax cut... I need a tax cut..."

NBF: Cut it out! Let's change the subject and talk about terrorism. How should the Obama administration approach the issue of international terrorism?

S: With tax cuts.

NBF: How will tax cuts help?

S: They will just make things better, so much so that we won't care if terrorists attack again. We'll be able to afford our own private security guards.

NBF: You maybe, I'm sure that one would be a bit out of my price range.

S: Offer the security guard a tax cut, maybe you can get a cheap rate.

NBF: OK, let's talk about Iraq. George Bush completely lost his way after he started the war. How do you propose we get out of Iraq?

S: With tax cuts.

NBF: TAX CUTS?!? How will they help get us out of Iraq?

S: They will cause all the people of Iraq to stop fighting and start hugging each other because they will all realize that they want tax cuts too. Remember, they're still looking for an excuse to throw flowers at us since we got rid of Saddam for them. Tax cuts would be the perfect reason for them to express their gratitude.

NBF: So you are saying that tax cuts will fix Iraq. OK, what would you do about internet pornography?

S: Tax cuts.

NBF: (sigh). Senator, what would you do about steroids in baseball?

S: Cut taxes.

NBF: Pollution?

S: Tax Cuts.

NBF: Identity theft and stock fraud?

S: A capital gains tax cut.

NBF: Education and all the paperwork created by NCLB?

S: Tax cuts

NBF: The flu?

S: Tax cuts are the cure.

NBF: Gambling by NBA officials?

S: Tax cuts, for sure.

NBF: Orbiting space junk?

S: Tax cuts.

NBF: The peanut butter salmonella scandal?

S: They should have given the peanut company a tax cut.

NBF: OK. Let's remember some history. What do you think about the 200th birthday of Abraham Lincoln earlier this week?

S: He is overrated as a President. There would have been no need for the Civil War if he'd just passed a big tax cut when he became President.

NBF: Fine. REALLY Off-topic, I have a 2003 Dodge and it keeps squeaking at me when I turn left. Any idea on what I should do about it?

S: A tax cut, definitely would fix it.

NBF: Is there ANYTHING that you believe can't be cured by tax cuts?

S: Sure.

NBF: What is that?

S: Death. Wait-- if taxes aren't a sure thing then maybe death isn't either. On second thought, no there isn't anything that a tax cut won't cure.

NBF: OK. Good-bye Senator.

S: Good-bye. Oh, yeah, did I remember to talk about tax cuts?