Wraith Classics:The 2004 Presidential Smackdown ExtravaganzaCamera and music on cue... three, two, one, and... GO!
Aftermath of the 2004 Presidential Election
This is the first in an occasional series of posts offering readers here at Night Bird's Fountain some of the original writings I authored in and for other venues. This series will comprise an eclectic mix. Included will be articles written when I was a business consultant, as well as selections from contributions I made as the Selig Wraith (the Blesséd Ghost) in the Medieval History Forum of About.com, where I created and contributed to a thread entitled, "A Once and Future Language," which was my platform to teach and answer questions about the history and current trends in the English language. That thread still stands as the longest ever created in the Medieval History Forum. Wraith Classics will also present comments and analyses I posted on message boards and blogs before the launch of my own blog, The Dark Wraith Forums.
Regular readers here know that my writings vary from the straight, expository lectures on through to slice-of-life factual and fictional narratives. Occasionally, I use the vehicle of a play to make a point.
To launch this series, I am republishing in extended form a play I wrote and posted in a comment thread at AmericaBlog late on the evening of November 11, 2004. This was, of course, shortly after the 2004 Presidential Election, when the comments at AmericaBlog and other progressive sites had become decidedly downbeat with the defeat of John Kerry by George W. Bush. Hope was fading that anything could be done to change the outcome of the election, despite rumors already swirling of vote fraud, particularly in Ohio but in other states, as well. At the time I wrote this play, my principal intention was to bring a touch of levity to depressed readers, but I also wanted to poke minor, if irreverent and slightly blasphemous, fun at both the Republicans and the Democrats.
My intention in this current republication of that little play is different. In my judgment, the Democratic Party is driving headlong toward the same mistakes it made in 2004, when the chosen candidate declined one opportunity after another to deal with the viciousness, mendacity, and hatefulness of the Republicans. The cowardice that John Kerry showed both before and after the election was a tribute to the dominance of the Republican strategy in an era of voter ignorance, mean-spiritedness, and tolerance of corruption of purpose and morals. Playing nice, being dignified, and posing with reason were trumped by the Republicans, who neither cared for those rules nor abided by them. To imagine that somehow the fundamental dynamic has changed is to hope for politics to move toward some old-fashioned, largely repudiated, entirely obsolete, and somewhat mythical strategy. Hardly ever does politics move toward strategy; rather, the successful politician moves his or her strategy toward the politics of the era.
According to important Democratic consultants, we bloggers in Blogosphere Left 2.0 are irrelevant. We're too strident, we're too untamed, and we just don't understand. These charges are all too true. Unlike conservative bloggers, who march in lock-step grinds of Party Line diatribes, we in Blogosphere Left 2.0 are a cacaphony of voices coming from all different directions, having rather disparate focuses of primary interest and showing a growing intolerance for our very own politicians and their groveling, cowering appeasement of the black-hearted hate machine of neo-conservatism and its nasty apostasy of Right-wing evangelicalism.
The Democrats who would pose to win our approval must be forewarned, however. We bloggers can be very creative, and we have no qualms about making appeasers within our ranks the object of our derision. We can make laughing stocks of cowards, and we can do it in many ways, from many angles, and from thousands of places both here in cyberspace and in the world of the meat puppets. This is what we do: we disrespect institutional rigor mortus, we disrupt the best laid plans of our more respectable and reputable betters, and we enjoy our craft like some people enjoy chocolate, sex, and low-amperage cattle prods.
Without further ado, from mid-November of the year 2004, the Dark Wraith herewith presents the Director's Cut of the re-release of...
[Blaring, high-energy music]
[World Political Wrestling Federation Logo fast-zoom. Flame burst across screen.]
[Camera 3 pan audience. Hard-in zoom on screaming fans.]
[Camera 1, face-on: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Satan]
: Vee are heer aht the Peoria Ceevic Center for the BEEgest
tag-team match in the heestory of the universe.Satan
: That's right, Arny. ToNIGHT
, it's the tag team of George "The DUH-bya" Bush and Dick "The Dick" Cheney going head-to-head with Jesus Christ and John Kerry!Schwarzenegger
: VAHT a fight eeet's going to be: A no-holds-barred, veeenner-take-all, three-round battle for control of the Earth!Satan
: Well, everyone knows which side Arny and I will be cheering for; but we know it's going to be one helluva match, if you'll forgive that little self-promotion.Schwarzenegger
: Of course
vee vill. The majority of Americans vant our team to vin, anyvay.DING-DING-DING!Announcer
: LAYDEEEEES... and... GYENTLEMEN!
The Dark Wraith Forums Production Company in association with Way Over the Top Entertainment, LLC, proudly brings you the The 2004 Presidential Smackdown Extravaganza
! In THIS
corner, the WINNER
of the ANNO DOMINI 2000 AND
the ANNO DOMINI 2004 United States Presidential Elections, MR. GEEEEEEEEORGE "The DUH
-bya" BUSH and DICK "The Dick" CHENEY!
(Crowd goes bananas, cheering wildly)Announcer
: And in THIS
corner, the LORD JAY
-SUS "The Savior" CHRIST and JOHN "The Loser" KERRY!
(CROWD boos, hisses)
(Round card girl—Donald Rumsfeld in drag—circles the mat holding up Round One
: NO HOLDS ARE ILLEGAL, THREE ROUNDS, THREE-SECOND PIN WINS.DING-DING!
We'll be right back.
Commercial RG1 On.Friends, are yew in need of Salvation? Has yer life turned into a hedonistic Democratic orgy of lustfulness, desire, and delicate French pastries at Barnes & Noble? Do you read literature other than the Living Word of God in the Bible and tracts written by the Reverend Thomas H. Girdlestamp?
Well, it's time for YEW t' come home to the grace that only the Reverend Girdlestamp can offer. Call our toll-free number right now, and we'll send yew, without obligation, our 36-page pamphlet, "Say 'YES!' to the Lord, Say 'NO! to Your Groin." We have operators standing by t' pray with you for Eternal Salvation. Yer donations can be made right there on our Prayer Hotline. Major credit cards are accepted.
So call right now, before another minute passes. Remember: Gawd loves yew, but He ain't got no problem with throwin' yew into Hell if yer a sinner.
[Blast music, WPWF Logo fast-zoom. Flame burst across screen.]
[Camera 5, 45-side-on: Satan and Schwarzenegger, turn to camera]
: Just eeen time. Vill the sorry-ass team of Kerry and Jesus even last three rounds?Satan
: I don't know, Arny. They're already broken. You can see it: Kerry's slow, and those weak knees of his are starting to buckle every time he tries to put up his dukes. And that Jesus character: who would've believed the 'Messiah' would be such a wimp when it comes to death, destruction, and oppressive occupation? Looks like that 'forgive your enemies' strategy is about to meet the big-time, real-world whammy.Schwarzenegger
: Zee bell ees about to...DING-DING-DING!
Jesus steps out into ring from right corner.
Cheney strides out from left corner.
Jesus opens his arms, palms of hands revealing scars of the Crucifixion: "Welcome, my son."
Cheney roars, "FUCK
you, Jesus!" and grabs Jesus by the throat, lifts Him into the air, spinning Him 'round and 'round.
Jesus cries, "FATHER, why hast Thou forsaken me this soon?!"
Cheney bawls, "Mushroom clouds! MUSHROOM CLOUDS!!!
" and slams Jesus to the mat, grabs his foot, and starts twisting it.
Kerry reaches as far into the ring as he can, screaming: "TAG ME, JESUS! TAG ME! I'm ready for battle! I'll SAVE YOU!"
Jesus claws his way toward Kerry but suddenly gets dragged to the middle of the ring. Cheney jumps up, runs at ropes, bounces off, makes flying dive onto the Lord's chest.
DUH-bya screams from ringside, "Lemme at 'im, lemme at 'im. C'mon, Dick, you PROMISED
I could do something. I'm a BIG boy! I flew an airplane!"
Cheney gets up slowly and deliberately. Jesus lies still, eyes glazed. Cheney walks toward the corner of the ring and picks up giant remote control device. "Okay, George. GO GIT 'EM!"
Cheney starts pressing buttons furiously as Bush climbs into ring. DUH-bya yells, "Axis of EVIL. Weapons o' Mass Destruction. Long-term effects of alcohol and cocaine. Mission Accomplished. Served with honor. No one saw Jeff on top, so it doesn't count."
Jesus grovels to the side of the ring, tags Kerry.
Kerry leaps into ring, runs at Bush.
Cheney grabs M60 machine gun and starts firing wildly.B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BAM-POP-POP-BAM!
Jesus dives for cover. Kerry hollers: "I'm gonna charge that machine gun nest!" Cheney aims at Kerry, fires point-blank. Kerry shrieks, "I'm HIT! I'm HIT
! He got me right in the ass! MEDIC! MEDIC
!... I want a Purple Heart for this!"
Kerry staggers backward, tags Jesus.DING-DING!
We'll be right back.
Commercial GW1 On.[Smirking middle-aged man] I used to have a limp you-know-what. Couldn't pulse beef worth a damn... Then I tried Porkalis... And now... [Blaring trombones; cut to picture of the Matterhorn]
[Deep male voice-over] Ask your doctor about Porkalis. See if it's right for you. Side effects may include blood loss to small brains; uncontrolled sense of being attractive when actually old, fat, and ugly; and certain gristly tissues bursting into giant, flaming torch. Use only as directed on fire extinguisher.
[Blast music, WPWF Logo fast-zoom. Unfortunately coincidental flame burst across screen.]
[Camera 1, face-on]DING-DING-DING!Schwarzenegger
: VAHT A FIGHT!Satan
: You SAID it, Arny. This was billed as the Battle of the Apocalypse, and it sure IS
! I've never seen anything LIKE
it! Dick and DUH-bya CONTROL
the agenda, no doubt ABOUT
: Jesus and John have no plan, no strategy. Did you SEE the way Kerry was flip-flopping around after he got hit with that round from the M60?!Satan
: And look at JESUS
: Just lying there acting like some kind of martyr!
(Round-Card Rumsfeld parades around the ring, holding up ROUND TWO
Jesus staggers into the center of the ring. DUH-bya, controlled by Cheney's remote from ringside, lands blow after blow, backing the Lord into a corner. DUH-bya pushes Jesus's upper body under top rope, flips Him over so His body is tangled between top and middle ropes.
DUH-bya turns around to wave to the crowd. Crowd shrieks approval of twisting Christ to conform to Bush's agenda.Satan
: I don't see John Kerry ANYWHERE
: He's over there in front of the judges testifying about the atrocities going on in the ring.Satan
(laughing): A lot of good THAT'LL
do. (mocking) Boo-hoo-hoo.
While George is busy waving to his fans, Jesus has managed to untangle Himself. Without anyone seeing how He got there, He's suddenly standing on top of a corner ring post, towering over DUH-bya.
(Crowd howls hysterically.)Satan
: Oh, my GOD! Jesus is about to lower the BOOM
: Vaht can save heeem, NOW?!
Suddenly, Cheney leaps back into the ring and knocks George out of the way as Jesus descends upon His enemy. Jesus hits the ground with a THUD, lies unconscious.
Kerry scrambles under ropes into the ring, yells to Cheney: "You can't DO
Cheney screams, "WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE WANT! WHO'S GOING TO STOP US! WHO HAS EVER STOPPED US?!!!!
George rushes over, flips Jesus on his back, pins His shoulders to the mat.Referee
: ONE... TWO...DING-DING!
We'll be right back.
Commercial RC1 On.[Female voice-over; somber violin music] The Republican National Committee needs your help. As we speak, America is being overrun by Democrats on every street corner, encouraging young boys into homosexual encounters at local YMCAs, telling girls it's okay to have multiple abortions after rape and incest, putting help wanted ads in newspapers to draw women away from their homes and families, making God-fearing American men sympathize with the billions of Muslim terrorists all over the world, and teaching impressionable college students how to use the American flag for toilet paper.
[Switch to up-beat, redneck/techno-pop fusion music] But the Republican National Committee is at the forefront of the war to protect our dear, beloved country from the people who hate it. This vile, liberal scum CAN be stopped and its minions sent to secret prisons for testicular electrification and disembowelment. But we need your donations. Send them in now, or make a donation at your local Right-wing church, where God is on your side... and ours!
[Blast music, WPWF Logo fast-zoom. Flame burst across screen.]
[Camera 1, backed out, face-on to Schwarzenegger and Satan. Pull in, Schwarzenegger.]DING-DING-DING!Schwarzenegger
: I AM EXHAUSTED
: SO AM I. Can you BELIEVE
it? The Lord Jesus Christ saved by some idiotic technicality like the end-of-round bell? Where's the justice?!Schwarzenegger
: Kerry and Christ are broken, defeated, hated by the majority of the audience! Why don't they just throw in the towel right NOW?Satan
: John Kerry is such an EMBARRASSMENT
! Jesus could have joined the Bush/Cheney ticket, but instead, He chose the losing side... once AGAIN
. Will he ever LEARN
? This round's gonna be ugly, I can feel it in my bones, can't you, Muscle Man?Schwarzenegger
: I sure can, O Summoner of Blood Rivers. The end is at hand, and VEE are here to see it!
Round-Card Rumsfeld prances around the ring, holding up ROUND THREE
Kerry marches forward, salutes. Cheney and Bush, together in ring, give him a double head slap. Kerry stands firm, refuses to address personal assault.
[Ear splitting, roaring engine sound fills auditorium] VROOOOM! VROO-VROOO-VRRROOOMMMM!!Satan
: DO YOU SEE WHO'S JUST ENTERED THE ARENA?! It's... it's... MARY CHENEY, and... and... SHE'S WEARING A VIKING MAIDEN OUTFIT, COMPLETE WITH HORNS ON THE HELMET!!!Schwarzenegger
: And she's accessorizing with a 1973 Harley-Davidson!Satan
: What STYLE
(Crowd screams in complete hysteria.)
DUH-bya and Cheney grab Kerry and haul him into the air, rushing him toward ringside where Mary Cheney is standing, leaning forward. George and Dick heave Kerry over the ropes and slam him down right into Mary's horns.
(bawling above mob): HO-LEEE MOSES
!! They just GORED
an END to a caREER
Kerry slumps over, falls off hat, tags Jesus as he crumples onto the floor of the arena outside the ring.
Jesus goes under ropes into the ring and stands up directly in front of Dick and DUH-bya.
Cheney cries out, "Where is your kingdom, NOW
Bush echoes, "Yeah, where is your kingdom, NOW
Together, they step forward, flogging Christ, driving Him backward into a corner of the ring.Satan
: They're gonna CRUCIFY
Cheney snarls, "Join me or DIE
, Sweet Jesus!"
Jesus turns to look for Kerry, but he's gone. All alone, Jesus stands, waiting for the EndTime.
All of a sudden, beside Him are standing men and women: My Pet Goat, OddJob, Lizzy, Wild Clover, Barbi, elf, Trailer Trash, Shakespeare's Sister, Jen, Gary A., PoliShifter, Dread Pirate Roberts, Lily, Paul the Spud, Missouri Mule, Phoenician in a time of Romans, Chief, BlondeSense Liz, Old White Lady, Fat Lady Sings, DemiOrator, BadTux, Culture Ghost, Green Knight, Elise, meEE, Karen M, Lisa Renee, Pam, Julien, Guy Andrew Hall, Kenneth Quinnell, Ron Brynaert, Charlie, isabelita, Eric Hopp, Mary, Debra, blackdog, Eli Blake, Radical Russ, No Blood for Hubris, Tim, Kate, Cyn, Misty, Lab Kat, Me4President, Stealth Badger, Charles Perez, Gary, Mixter, Cherizac, ROF, Red State Blues, dorsano, Gordon, LindiB, SB Gypsy, Lymond, binky, Treban, DonViti, Pissed Off Patricia, Mr. Shakes, Dark Daughta, Chuck, Deborah, Peter of Lone Tree, Ben Wood, Wadena, Holly, Anntichrist S. Coulter, Progressive Traditionalist, NC Gal, Siri, Luther, T. Rogers, Culture Ghost, DeLLBerto, Left Behind Child, eponymous, litbrit, Andi Allen, Fixer, badgerpup, actor212, ROF, Kathy, D., Jaye Ramsey Sutter, and a Host of Angels, all proclaiming, GLORY BE TO THE PROGRESSIVE MOVEMENT
DUH-bya and Dick kick Jesus's ass.Referee
: ONE... TWO... THREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!!!!Satan
: DONE! FINISHED
! FINAL VICTORY OVER ALL THAT IS GOOD, DECENT, AND HUMANE!Schwarzenegger
: Vell, that's eet from the Peoria Ceeevic Center Arena, vhere you've just veeetnessed George "The DUH-bya" Bush and Richard "The Dick" Cheney destroy all hope for the future of the human race!Satan
: Right you ARE, Arny. It was EVERYTHING
a politics and religion fanatic could've hoped for! And now begins The Thousand Year Reign of Blackness.Schwarzenegger
: I'm Ahnold Svahtzenekkehr.Satan
: And I'm Satan. Good night, and may God bless you... NOT!
[Music fast fade-in]
[Logo on screen.]
[Camera 7 pan empty arena]
[Camera 6 outside shot of Civic Center; demons swooping down, snatching fans' souls and dragging them down into Hell]
[Fade to black][Cut]
(Darkened arena. Lone janitor sweeping aisleways.)
Small stage door creaks open. Head peeks out, looks around.Janitor
(looking startled): Who're YOU
?Figure in doorway
: I'm John Kerry. I used to be a contender.Janitor
: Oh. Well, I'm Dark Wraith; I'm just the janitor. The closest exit is over there, sir. Please make sure the door locks behind you on your way out.Kerry
(walking out the exit): Thank you for your support.Janitor
: You're quite welcome, Mr. Kerry.
The Dark Wraith Forums Production Company
in association with
Way Over the Top Entertainment, LLC
The Dark Wraith bows to the applauding audience.
This article is cross-posted from The Dark Wraith Forums.